


Cuddling Dimwit

by orphan_account



Category: Sherlock (TV)
Genre: Cuddling & Snuggling, Fluff and Crack, Humor, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-11-02
Updated: 2013-11-02
Packaged: 2017-12-31 05:25:34
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,901
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1027741
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/orphan_account/pseuds/orphan_account
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Sherlock is without a case and is being his petulant self but John's will power is greater than Sherlock expected.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Cuddling Dimwit

**Author's Note:**

> This is total crack that arose from an impromptu RP session I had with a friend sometime last month. I meant to narrate, edit and finish this ages ago but never got around to it. All Sherlock dialogue was from me, all John dialogue was from her. And because this was an RP there is so much dialogue and there are only so many synonyms for "he said" so don't sue me.
> 
> Again, this is unbeta'd and I know there will be tense jumps because I made approximately 24601 million of them when typing this up but feel free to ignore them.
> 
> So without further ado.

It was a Thursday and Sherlock Holmes was once again without a case and sulking in his pyjamas on the sofa of 221b.

“I’m bored John,” he called out into the empty apartment, “BORED!”

He pulled his blue dressing gown around him and yelled, “Get me more cigarettes John!” There was no response. “John, please,” he begged.

Finally realising that John might not actually be in the apartment he asked, “John, are you there?” No answer. “JAWWWWWWWWN!” Silence. “Have you gone to Dublin again John?” Again, there was no reply. “John, why aren’t you here?” Nothing. “But John, I’m bored, come baaack.”

The great detective decided to change tactics and shouted down the stairs to the land lady, “Mrs Hudson, where is John?” She also did not reply, it seemed to be Let’s-Ignore-Sherlock-Holmes Day. “Is he on one of those silly date things again with one of the stupid women?”

 Having failed to garner a reply from Mrs Hudson, Sherlock called the dog that spent the majority of its’ time hiding in John’s room, “Winston, fetch my gun! I must shoot things while John sulks.” The dog appeared just minutes later with Sherlock’s revolver hanging from his mouth. He trotted up to the couch, dropped the gun on the floor and fled the room just before the shooting begins. The sulking detective fired five bullets into the wall before whining, “John shooting things is boring meee.” He threw the gun to the floor and folded his legs in on himself. “You are the only thing that isn’t boring John, come back to meee.” His tone was almost desperate by the time he pleaded, “Please, John.” When no reply came, his patience snapped, “John, don’t make me call Lestrade, or worse, Mycroft to find you.” That’s exactly when John appeared in the doorway carrying a plastic shopping bag,

“I told you not to shoot things Sherlock. It frightens the neighbours,” the doctor scolded. Sherlock whipped his head around and his face lit up while the impatient tension seeped from his body.

 “Oh good, John, there you are! Did you bring my cigarettes?” he questioned, “Oh shh John the neighbours are idiots,” he added as an afterthought.

“No. No more cigarettes for you!” John called out as he made his way into the kitchen and dumped the bag on the table before filling up the kettle.

“But Johhhhn,” Sherlock whined into a pillow on the sofa.

Ignoring the petulant detective on the couch, John put the kettle on to boil and began to unpack the shopping, “I did however, get the milk. Seeing as you forgot, again.”

“Milk does not interest me John. Come here, and give me cuddles your scent calms me.”

John rolled his eyes and placed the biscuits in the cupboard over the stove.

“John? John, have you left again?” Sherlock cried out from the living room.

“The state you’re in I’d say a tranquiliser would be more fitting,” John grumbled to himself and mentally urged the kettle to boil faster.

“John, there is plenty of room in my dressing gown, it’s an experiment John,” Sherlock was verging on manic, “It’s for science John!” He flipped himself over so that he was facing outward on the couch once more, “And you already banned me from the animal tranquilisers, you said they weren’t good for my brain John. You see, I do listen John, I swear!”

John listened to the whiny monologue in the kitchen and rolled his eyes all the way to ancient Greece and back again. _How did I get stuck with this lunatic?_ he asked of himself. He tuned back into Sherlock’s ramblings just in time to catch, “John, I’ll get the milk if that’s what this is about.”

John threw his arms in the air and gave an exasperated sigh.

“We have milk Sherlock,” he told the detective.

“But John I’m still alone and I’m getting cold” the curly haired man complained. “What did I do John? I’ll remove the experiment from your room.”

John burst out of the kitchen in a mess of flying arms and raised eyebrows, “YOU PUT AN EXPERIMENT IN MY ROOM!?”

“Ohyoudidn’tknowaboutthat.” Sherlock muttered, “It’s nothing really. Are you coming John?”

“I was going to until I heard about this experiment lark, do you remember the last time you put an experiment in my room Sherlock?” John demanded.

“Oh please John, don’t overreact, that was nothing really. A few severed hamster heads and some singed cabbage leaves really aren’t that big of a deal. It was for science,” he explained as if that made everything fine. “Just come here, I’ll even let you do the thing with my hair that you enjoy. PLEASE JAWN!” he pleaded.

“Speaking of hair, you have an appointment for the hairdressers tomorrow at three. Don’t forget!” John reminded him as he returned to the kitchen to re-boil the forgotten kettle.“And don’t cut it too short!” He glanced back at the petulant genius and added, “In fact, don’t cut it at al. It’s perfect now.”

“Oh God no! That imbecile is even dumber than Anderson; do I have to go John?” Sherlock groaned into the couch.

“He has a crush on you, y’know?” John replied.

“Who? The hairdresser?” Sherlock asked as he lifted his head in surprise.

“Yes. And maybe Anderson,” John added begrudgingly.

“Anderson? But isn’t he engaging in extra marital activities with Sergeant Donovan,” Sherlock was thoroughly confused by the turn the conversation had taken and tried to redirect it. “Wait, never mind, this idle gossip doesn’t interest me, it’s even less relevant than the solar system. Are you coming to the couch John?”

“I still can’t believe you didn’t know the earth goes around the sun,” John called back. “Cutie,” he supplied with a smile.

“Oh please John, we’ve been through this. It doesn’t matter ,so I deleted it!” Sherlock defended.

“But it’s primary school stuff! Common knowledge!” He exclaimed.

“But it’s irrelevant John. I delete unnecessary information. It makes room for the more interesting things, such as your normal heart and breathing rates.” Sherlock responded.

“Please tell me you don’t know those,” John pleaded.

“Of course I know those John; I need to be sure you’re okay while you sleep.” Sherlock explained flippantly.

“That’s not exactly normal Sherlock,” John reminded him. “Oh never mind, you’re Sherlock Holmes. Nothing is ever normal,” he complained under his breath.

“But John it’s concern, you always say I don’t have enough of that,” the consulting detective reasoned.

“That’s true I suppose. Well done then?” The shorter man replied.

“Thank you John. I appreciate your praise now will you please come here and cuddle or do I have to come find you again. You know I don’t like finding you with those women John, please just come here.” Sherlock’s voice took on a hint of hysteria but John was having none of it.

“The couch is too small for both of us and there was _one_ woman, _one_ time.”

“John there is plenty of room, I am taller than you and I fit just fine. John I distinctly remember at least four women and I don’t like them John,” the detective tried to guilt the doctor into resignation.

“I know you don’t like them, and they know you don’t like them. One of them is going to therapy now Sherlock. And fine, there is plenty of room,” John admitted.

“Oh please John, she was going to therapy before ever meeting you for her nervous disposition caused by her mothers’ constant criticism of her life choices.” Sherlock explained. “Her mother never liked you either by the way,” he added. “They were a family of dimwits,” he grumbled to himself.

“The only dimwit here is you Sherlock,” John muttered

“You’ve never thought that before, why would you say something so out of character John? Come here and I shall take your pulse and check your breathing, you may be unwell.” Sherlock requested

“Mmm yes I think I’m very unwell. I need tea,” John said, finally remembering the kettle again and setting it to boil once again. Once the kettle clicked off, he poured the boiling water over a small tea bag in a mug and left it to brew for a few minutes.

“You’re not contagious are you? Both of us shouldn’t be sick,” Sherlock wondered.

“It’s probably contagious. Probably fatal. Do you still want cuddles?” John asked dryly as he went in search for the biscuits he previously put away.

Sherlock seemed to consider this for a moment before finally deciding, “Yes, because you get grumpy when you’re ill.  And I will have to keep myself occupied somehow, and cuddles are the answer. I’ll call Lestrade to bring round some anti- biotics for me.”

“Maybe you’re not a dimwit hm. Good.” John pondered as Sherlock rooted around the couch for his phone.

“John I’m confused. Perhaps I have caught your illness already,” Sherlock suddenly mused.

“Why are you confused?” John asked disinterestedly as he stirred the teabag before removing it and throwing it in the bin.

“I do not know why I may, or may not, be a dimwit. I don’t like this feeling John, it isn’t nice!” Sherlock began to panic again.

“Shh be calm Sherlock, you may, or may not, be a dimwit. And you may never know why, but it doesn’t matter because you’re my dimwit,” John soothed the dark haired man as he poured a drop of milk into his tea, picked up the mug and biscuits, and left the kitchen.

“John, come here and get into my robe because I don’t like this feeling. John I really don’t like not understanding. I need your comforting scent!” for a man usually so emotionless, Sherlock Holmes seemed almost on the verge of tears.

“You don’t need to understand everything Sherlock, but alright I’ll comfort you,” John set his tea down on the floor and sat on the edge of the couch waiting for Sherlock to move so he could lie down next to him.

“But I do John, what do I have if not knowledge?” Sherlock opened his blue, silken dressing gown and wrapped John inside it once the doctor lay back against the detectives’ chest. He inhaled the calming scent of John’s shampoo and slowly started to calm down.

“You have great hair,” John started, “And rather nice eyes,” he murmured softly. “And bucket loads of compassion. Obviously,” he supplied sarcastically.

“Mmm John, I actually like that jumper,” Sherlock hummed into John’s hair.

“Wait, I thought you liked all my jumpers...” John attempted to turn around and question the taller man but decided it was worth it.

“I do but that one brings out your eyes and sits very well on your shoulders,” Sherlock replied anyway. They cuddled and snuggled into one another for what seemed like eternity, and could have lasted for eternity for all they cared. Sherlock let out a euphoric sigh before sleepily mumbling, “John?” John cracked open one eye and hummed a response. “I love being your dimwit John, don’t ever leave me,” the vulnerability in the detective’s voice almost broke John’s heart in two but he promised

“I would never.”

“Goodnight John,” Sherlock whispered and tucked his head into John’s shoulder.

“Goodnight Sherlock, you dimwit,” John responded before he closed his eyes and drifted off into a peaceful sleep with his tea sitting forgotten on the floor beside the sofa.

**Author's Note:**

> Feel free to leave comment etc below or just come say hi over on tumblr: aplagueuponyourhouse.tumblr.com
> 
> The friend that provided the John dialogue is betta-getta-vespa.tumblr.com so drop in there and tell her how wonderful she is for putting up with me.
> 
> Also I may or may not start using a beta reader so if you're interested let me know.


End file.
